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“I don’t like humans today” Me “I don’t like being human today” Adler I can’t not be real. I don’t know how. I’m not built that way. Today I can’t hold it together. I just can’t. And why should I? My son has cancer. He is in treatment again. He’s exhausted. He’s emotionally done. He can’t go to school today, or tomorrow or the next day. I am angry. I am sad. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know many parents that would kill to be in my shoes to have one more moment with their child. But it’s still hard. It’s still heavy. Quality of life are words you hear at the end of life not words to live by. But live he does and I am grateful for it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not at a price. Cancer isn’t free. You must pay the boatman to cross the river in hell every damn day. Because it is a living nightmare. But again he’s living. I can hold him and touch him and listen to him talk. And I love and adore ALLLLLLL of our conversations even after midnight and he’s talking to me in bed about the Fantastic 4 theories and I’m exhausted. I still listen. When he sleeps with me I listen to his breathing and I treasure it because it’s a gift. A true gift because there is a fear I won’t get to hear it. Devastating me daily with worry. But yet we live. We both do. Together as a dynamic duo. It’s the Elizabeth and Adler show here and as fucked up as it can be some days I am oddly happy to tune in and see what the day will bring. And we own it. We own allllllll the fucked up here!!!! Today’s episode is full of tears and wishes scuffed and torn by reality but at least it’s still on the air!!!
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This is the third school year that Adler is not starting school “normally”. He’s still sleeping. No getting up early. No breakfast while I pack his lunch. No school uniform ready to put on. School supplies are in his new backpack and new pencil box on his desk in his room. Not at school. (Because you betcha we got him all new anyway.) No seeing his friends. No excitement. I said last night before he went to sleep, “you’re a fifth grader tomorrow”. He said “sort of”. Yep. So this isn’t just about Covid-19 for us. It’s been about cancer for 6 years now. He had one year. One that he attended “normally”. One. We hoped against hope he could attend this year. And maybe he will. But today was supposed to be his first day of 5th grade at Trinity and it’s not. He will pop in to say Hi via Zoom later today. He will resume with e-learning and independent studying until it is safe for him to return. His teacher sent me the pics of his desk and locker and that made me so happy as he’s still a part of it even if he’s not there. It also made me cry because he can’t be and he should be. He should be damn it. But we adapt and trudge on through the muddy battlefield of cancer. One day at a time. Because it is what it is. Bold As Love. Holding onto the boat. And yes. Fuck Cancer.
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