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This was the last shower he took by himself. A shower with dial antibacterial soap in preparation for his cervical spinal biopsy surgery. I saw this last night after midnight and I fell apart. The tears fell just like they did that day after they wheeled him back to surgery. Aaron had to hold me up as we stood in the now empty pre-op room. We had no idea he would loose the use of his arms. We had no idea the pain he would have to endure. We had no idea the depression we would face and the hole we would fall in. July 16th 2019 was the beginning of another unbelievably difficult chapter in the book of Adlers fight against brain cancer. A year later there is improvement and stability but what a fucking struggle to get there.

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This was the last shower he took by himself. A shower with dial antibacterial soap in preparation for his cervical spinal biopsy surgery. I saw this last night after midnight and I fell apart. The tears fell just like they did that day after they wheeled him back to surgery. Aaron had to hold me up as we stood in the now empty pre-op room. We had no idea he would loose the use of his arms. We had no idea the pain he would have to endure. We had no idea the depression we would face and the hole we would fall in. July 16th 2019 was the beginning of another unbelievably difficult chapter in the book of Adlers fight against brain cancer. A year later there is improvement and stability but what a fucking struggle to get there.

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I actually woke before his episode early this morning. I woke quickly with anxiety and worry. I tuned to him as he was sleeping next to me and he was fine. I took a deep breath and rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. But I couldn’t. Soon after he tussled around and I asked if he was ok. He said his back hurt. We moved the heating pad up for his back. He clicked it back on and tied to get comfortable. Neither of us could. I knew it was coming. He said minutes later, ‘I’m just gonna go try to poop”. I know exactly what that means in the middle of the night. I followed him right in and as soon as he sat down he went. Then the hand to the head and he was leaning over resting his elbow on the toilet paper. I grabbed the bowl because I knew it was coming. The color draining from his face as he looked up and said “I don’t want to puke”. I have always told him not to fight it. He said he was so nauseous. I touched his arms and cheeks. He said “Mom, I’m scared”. I told him I was right there, to keep breathing. Deep breaths in the nose out the mouth. He was dizzy and felt faint. His eyes closed and bam, he puked. We have a system he and I. Always have two or three bowls ready in case. Especially when it’s just us and I can’t rinse in between in fear of him passing out. And there’s usually that fear attached to these episodes. Twice he vomits and says he feels better but still weird. He’s been on this treatment for 10ish months now and I would be safe to say it’s from that. Yes, he had these episodes prior but not as often. We got back to bed and watched some TV and I slathered him with some oils and myself. He said “God, our life really sucks sometimes doesn’t it?”. I rolled over and touched his arm and agreed. At those times I’m not gonna sugar coat or try to change his mind. Those are valid feelings and he should feel them. Because he’s right. He then joked about inspirational quotes and how they just don’t fit with cancer. Again, I agreed!! Our sense of humor is quite dark and usually only a few get it. Yes he is a fucking trooper but damn there’s no breaks with cancer. None. Uuuuggghhhh. So here’s to a better day…..until the next time it sucks. It’s the in betweens where the good stuff is. 🅰️🌈⚓💙

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